Men and their brains

And why I like someone and don't like another person.

First of all, men are incredible creatures really. They're odd and strange and at the same time the simplicity of their minds and emotions baffle me even if they are in essence simple.

Since my heart's been occupied with drummer boy, no less than six men have come out of the woodworks asking me outright if I wouldn't mind going out with them.

People have suddenly started calling me princess. The security guards at the main gate to where I'm working these days refer to me as the queen of the establishment. They all want to be my kings. And I'm flattered with it all and to be honest quite pleased.

The boys next door have also started joking about drummer boy and I hooking up and at every chance try to push me in his direction.

I smile, laugh the obligatory laugh, and turn away.

I haven't seen him since last Thursday. He hasn't texted me since then or emailed or called. However he's found time in his very busy days to get on facebook, make silly comments meant to tease me on my profile and on my status, and then I suppose wait for a reaction. I find it incredibly childish to be honest. I almost think he doesn't even realize what he's doing. I can understand, he's probably confused or maybe he isn't and he's just playing it the way he wants to play it. Trust me to like a guy that can't even say it straight at the age of 39.

But he still plays in a band, spends half his day being silly, and can't even speak about how he feels. So I guess no matter how old they get they're always going to be little six year olds.

I was pissed off with all of it until this morning. Because this morning I realized that I am fed up with thinking about it and fed up with myself not being able to just move on.

I am trying my best to figure out why I can't move on. I don't love him. Yes I like him but I don't love him. So why is it so freaking hard.

Why does him facebooking me make me want to hit him and at the same time make me want to throw my hands up in the air and be like I give up man.

I figured it out. Its because I like his six year old personality and the fact that he's a geek at the same time managing a multi-million project five hundred metres away from me. I like that he's musical. I hate his band's songs though. UGH. That crap they're playing is just pure crap. I mean the level of creativity is completely lacking. I like that I just get him and for the most part he gets me.

But that's not enough is it. And I know all of you have said move on but its easier said than done. And well knowing me and myself, I can't move on from something until I've exhausted every option.

Then again, I've grown in the past couple years and its been pretty easy to just say I don't want to do anything about this. But I'm not really. I keep telling myself to move on and to let go. I mean there are definitely, definitely, a hundred other guys out there.

Why is it this one that I want to freaking hold on to.

He's not that cute. He's not rich. He's not some prince. He's definitely got a little bit of a devil in him so he's no angel.

Its the fact that a part of me recognizes the need in him to be taken care of. And no I don't mean that he's a bad boy and I have to fix him. I mean in that way you want to just tend to someone and to show them that you care. Like he's missing that in his life.

Could I be any sappier or mushier?

I'm almost making myself gag.

Anyways, I am going to stick to trying to move on. If he comes trying to figure out why I've started to ignore him and generally act like he's not there I'm just going to lay it out for him, tell him how I feel, in a very rational and logical way and explain to him my need to move on because obviously he doesn't want what I want.

Its like poshlemon said, I realize what my worth is so why waste it on someone who is clearly not interested in having me.

I guess thats it.

I wish it was easier than this though.

I just wish I knew what he was thinking.