Stonewalled

After a whole 7 days of not saying a word to him or responding to silly facebook comments, he finally texted me yesterday morning.

"Morning barb. Which coupons should I use today"

So he's found the barbie coupons I made him for his birthday over a month ago before I started liking him. The coupons he'd said he lost. The ones that I didn't care he'd lost.

I did not reply.

I'd made the decision the night before that I was going to tell him how I felt on Thursday which was yesterday.

I went over what I wanted to say a thousand times in my head in preparation. It scared me that I was going to put myself out there so clearly and so unabashedly. Yes unabashedly. Because, I was not going to apologize for how I felt. No matter what I said, I promised myself I would not say I was sorry. Sorry for what exactly? Sorry that I - me - the person that I am chose you to like you? That's how I see. I made a decision to like him and reciprocate how I thought he felt about me and how everyone around me told me he felt.

I walked out of the office to go to the gate and smoke a cigarette by myself while I pondered the words I would use. I wanted to use words that expressed how I felt without making it seem like it was anything less than natural. I wanted to convey that I was OK with it all. That I was ready to move on. I toyed with my lines tweaking here, pulling them in there. As if I was going to write a song about it. In the end, I wrote it all down to read over. By the time I'd finished re-writing and editing, I'd been left with two minutes worth of lines. One goal definitely accomplished. Delivery would be short.

On my way out for the cigarette, he came up, and as I turned my head away, he sang out my name like he always does. Excited about finding the coupons and telling me he was planning on claiming two.

I smiled and said "No way. Can't believe they've been found."

He jumped up and down saying that he had.

I just walked on.

I was wearing a red top with tapered black pants and bronze heels and big black buckle belt cinched around my waste.

I always wear red when I'm about to do something I consider big.

I felt on top of the world. Odd isn't it?

I also brought along a witches hat, and a wand with a furry bat on it for halloween at the office. It didn't matter that I was the only one in the spirit.

At 12:30 and after his meeting he came looking for me. Talking about how busy his week has been. I raised an eyebrow saying I'm sure its all going fine.

Some talk about the personal trainer and how he's busting his back with him.

I said "Darling no gain without pain. Did you not say you wanted Daniel Craig's body?"

He nodded.

"About those coupons?"

"Yeah I found them"

"So which ones are you planning on using"

"Dinner!!!!"

"When?"

"Two weeks maybe next week."

"You assumptive ass. What makes you think I have time for you then?"

"Hahaha. They're good for a year. You said so."

"Yes that situation's changed. I think you need to hear this"

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

We moved into the meeting room. I asked him to sit down. He said is this going to take long? I said it wouldn't. I wasn't planning on making a big deal out of it. Should be over quickly.

I sat. He sat opposite of me. Facing me.

I crossed my legs and put my hangs together. And slid a little down the seat. Relaxing myself. I didn't want to be harsh. I wanted to be soft but firm.

I smiled and I maintained my smile and eye contact with him the entire time. I brought my voice down to very soft.

I said ..

" I like you. Actually, I have feelings for you. I can tell you exactly the point in time that the switch in my head went off and the how and why. I can even tell you the reasons that I like you and not someone else."

He moved back in his chair and smiled like he was flattered or maybe just not expecting this but not knowing what to do.

"It was very recent actually."

Still the same stance. I continued.

"I'm not embarrassed by this. I'm not worried either. I'm counting on the fact that there is alot of respect between us."

"I realize that you don't feel the same way. For whatever reasons. I don't want to speculate."

"What I am about to say now may sound a little harsh. I can't be friends with you. Although I want you in my life, because like I've said before you want great people around you, its not what is on the table. I need to move on. I want to move on. I hope you can understand."

I had done it.

He got up. Smiled. Opened his arms to hug me. I hugged back.

He said, "in two weeks then?"

I said nothing. I just wrinkled my nose and smiled half a smile.

He said "I won't take the piss anymore"

I nodded and walked out back to the window. It was all fairplay.

The rest of the day was a blur. I called a cab and waited for over two hours and it did not show up. I put my flats on and started walking towards Trade Center.

I found a cab and for the entire ride home I stared out the window and told myself I'd done the right thing.

I'd drawn a line in the sand and said this is where you can't cross.

I wasn't mean about it. I wasn't evil about it. I wasn't even emotional or harsh about it. I was just so matter of fact about it.

He'd stonewalled me with almost zero response. I didn't expect any words of comfort from him. I did expect him to say something. Anything. But I suppose how could anyone say anything to what I'd just said.

I'd definitely stretched myself. Was I putting up another wall to protect myself. Was I fooling myself into thinking by being this open about the whole thing that I was actually being the same scared girl I'd been before with the other guys I'd liked? I don't know.

I know that it had to be done. I couldn't live with the friendship while my feelings drove me crazy. I'd had a week of the hurricane in my head and that alone had made me want to shoot myself because I was fed up with the switch not going off. I guess I totally blew the circuit with that now didn't I.

The point is, I thought I would wake up sad this morning. I didn't. I woke up not thinking about it. I woke up feeling like something important happened yesterday and I struggled to remember it for a whole two minutes. When I did remember, I searched for the sadness and the melancholy. I didn't find them.