New Identity

I feel like the parts of me that make me me or have consistently made me in the past are unravelling. As if the thread that kept those parts together is coming undone at the seams. Pulled taut and just a little too tight.

The parts of me that feel like they aren't there anymore. The parts that used to hold me together feel so foreign now. I sometimes think that I've made such a fool of myself. I question all the things that I've done and more importantly the things I haven't done.

I'm stuck in a phase of inaction. Of total suspension. Turns out that you don't need to be completely together to function. A part of you can continue to go forward in some aspects while the other parts of you stand still. Sometimes questioning. Sometimes taking a step in that direction or the other just because a step is better than being sometimes stuck in one position. Holding on to an ideal or just holding on to a fear that's become so familiar that living without it is incomprehensible.

Sometimes its not a question of knowing what you want or knowing who you are. Sometimes its more than just the need to rely on a blind belief. Sometimes its just you, the real you, the one that's buried under the mountains of emotions, insecurities, struggles, fears, the inescapable desire for happiness, the real you that's under all of that that get's you through.

Sometimes all it takes is just the right moment in time, the right place in the series of your own crazy, the right turn around that corner in the depths of your mind, that makes you stop and you catch yourself. You're there, facing you, the one that shores you up with one shove and sends you back in search of that elusive desire to be fulfilled, happy, free. Because that;s what they told you you needed to strive for; to work for; to need and want. Spotlight or no spotlight; we all want to be recognized and sometimes the only person that sees you is you and that isn't enough. You just have to take a fall and get up again.

That's when it stops being about fair or about right or even wrong. That's when you realize there is no system and there are no rules to the world that surrounds you. There's no point in searching for patterns or trying to find logic in the many folds of the world around you. Its all chaotic, falling on to itself over and over again.

Desperate or happy or whatever. Sometimes all you need to do is just seek a moment of silence in the noise and a crack of login in the inexplicable nonsense that is this world and that you can step into and try to re-create everything to your liking; to the ideal that lets you be you.

The final conclusion: Who gives a shit? It all begins and ends with you. In the way you cope and adapt.

Wherever you find that you.

Control isn't an option and you know what: Turns out you can't be anyone's fool without being a fool for yourself.